It was all about me.
If only I had been smarter.
If only I had been more social.
If only I had been prettier.
If only I had been more competent.
If only I had prayed more.
If only I had respected him more.
If only I had kept quiet.
If only I had submitted more.
If only I had been more like my friend.
If only I had balanced the checkbook better.
If only...
It was all about me. If I could have just been better, if I could have just been different, if I could have just been someone else, maybe it would have helped.
"If we have gotten hooked into believing that somehow we will be the one who will make the difference in someone's life, if we are trying to prove how good we can be for someone, we may be in trouble."
~excerpt from The Language of Letting Go, Melody Beattie
I truly believed that it was all about me and if only I could have changed all the things that were wrong with me I would finally be loved unconditionally. I truly did hate myself and all my faults, and I had so many.
I couldn't understand why I just couldn't be better with money, why I just couldn't make myself be beautiful, why I couldn't be a better cook, why I was such a bungling idiot that couldn't even vacuum right or take the garbage out like normal people did, why I couldn't stop doing stupid things like locking my keys in the car, why I couldn't just be someone else.
"This is a game. A deception. It won't work. It'll make us crazy. We can trust that. We're not seeing things clearly. Something's going on with us."
It took years before I would truly see what was happening and be able to name it. Being able to say I wasn't crazy felt so good and it made me finally realize that it was not all about me. And actually, most of it was not about me at all.
"It's a game move, a game we don't have to play. We don't have to prove we're the one. If we're out to show people we're the best thing that ever happened to them, it may be time to see if they're the best thing that ever happened to us."
It was never all about me.
I was smart enough.
I was pretty enough.
I was...enough.
May you know that you are enough. That God loves you right where you are at and in Him, you are enough.
Blessings!
Amy
You CAN Eat Beef Heart!
2 months ago
3 comments:
I love this! It reminds me of a post I did called I'm Outnumbered by self-doubt.
Reading your profile made me think of my journey the past four years. A year ago I got my Master's, only three months ahead of my oldest son! So glad I did, though.
And I have boys, too -- FOUR! They're blessings, aren't they? Even when life is chaotic.
Wonderful post and how true...God loves us just as we are.
This is exactly how I feel. I'm so tired of hating myself for what I'm apparently *not,* for feeling like I'm never enough, for being stuck in myself. I'm tired of being afraid of being left, even though I'm both everything she ever asked for and yet nothing she wants. And I am tired of hearing well-meaning people tell me, "If she left you, many women would be happy to have someone like you," (which never helps). How do I get there? How do I find a settled peace in my heart about who I am that does not depend on what others think and say?
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