Being grateful in the midst of it all

The tears have flowed freely today and at times pushed their way on through in the midst of trying to hold it all back.
The pain has been an overwhelming heaviness and try as I might to escape from it, to shake it off, or dismiss it, the heartache just grew heavier.

Have you ever realized a truth about something that you just do not want to accept? I suppose the heaviness and heartache of today is from the words spoken last night, words of forgiveness and reconciliation between a mother and son, but words that made me realize a real truth in my life.

The truth that makes me angry. The truth that makes me sad. The truth that causes a pain so deep that it becomes unbearable.

When people choose to twist truth around for their own gain, to make themselves look innocent and okay, never acknowledging or taking responsibility for their actions, they truly are only hurting themselves.
Yet it still makes me mad. It makes me mad to see the lies still being told, the truth still being skewed, and innocent people caught in the after math of it all.

Yet in the midst of it all today I try to be grateful for the good and real Truth in my life.

51. smell of rain in the clouds ready to burst forth

52. iced coffee on a warm, sunny day

53. walks and chats with a friend that always listens and truly cares

54. deep talks with sons who have turned into young men right before her eyes

55. asking forgiveness and offering apologies to ease the pain caused to another

56. sound of wind chimes gently swaying in the late evening breeze

57. God's voice as He whispers in my ear

58. gentle breezes through the open window at night cooling a tired body

59. ability to work and make money at home

60. sharing a Blizzard treat while sharing thoughts and dreams

What are you grateful for today?

Blessings!

Amy

Finishing the end

I resist change. There I said it.
I cling to the familiar as if it were an old beloved blankie, worn but cozy. Yet resisting change is kind of like being caught in the spin cycle, forever, always moving, but getting nowhere and staying the same, over and over again.

Without change in our lives, we cannot finish the end, and if the end is never finished, how can we move into the new? The familiar gives a false feeling of safeness in our lives, but it also keeps us forever stuck in a state of staleness. No growing takes place and we fail to become all that God would have us to be. Life becomes stagnant and we miss out on living it to the fullest.

"God, help me fully embrace and finish my endings, so I may be ready for my new beginnings." ~excerpted from The Language of Letting Go, Melody Beattie

The author says that "we may want to hold back the tides of change, not because the change isn't good, but because we have had so much change, so much loss", and all that change and loss makes us feel afraid of more change, especially when the change in our lives has caused grief and pain.

More change, no way! The pain is too unbearable from what has already happened, so any more change is bound to bring more pain.
No, it is safer, we decide to stay right where we are at. If we don't look at it directly and quickly scoot it under the rug and hide it, we can just stay right here where it's familiar, and try to live around it, hoping the pain will just dissipate and then we don't have to really deal with it.

Yet I know in my heart it is time, and God is gently tugging at me, to trust. Trust Him with finishing the end of my story and allow Him to make my paths straight so that I may live life again, live it to the fullest, embracing each day as the gift that it is.

Oh how I resist finishing the end so I can move into the new. It's scary, it's unfamiliar, it means slowly releasing what has actually had a hold of me for years. Am I ready to move on? Yes. Can I do it? Yes, but not alone. And for that I'm so grateful that God will provide the light to my feet so I do not stumble, and gently lead me down the path that still lies dark ahead of me, trusting that He has it all laid out perfectly.



As I move towards the end so I can step into a new beginning, I will continue to be grateful for the blessings in my life.

41. God's Word

42. a joyfulness in my heart

43. quiet on this early morning

44. bills paid and in the mail

45. spending time my boys as we watch and contemplate a favorite tv show's finale

46. ability to attend school

47. a cup of warm, chocolaty coffee on this chilly, gray day

48. making cookies as a treat for my boys after a long day

49. a parent's love

50. memories that bring a smile to my face in the middle of my day

What are you grateful for today?

Blessings!
Amy

Laundry and gratitude

Laundry, piles of laundry, everyday and never ending.

The washer seems to endlessly fill, spin and rinse, while the hum of the dryer is a permanent sound throughout the house.

Dirty laundry gets sorted, added to a washer full of warm water and suds, and then the cleaning process begins. The dirty laundry is swished back and forth, pounding the dirt out, then the dirty water is drained off, and the laundry spins round and round to get rid of the remaining dirty water. Clean water rinses the laundry and after being spun one more time, the laundry is clean. The dirt has been removed and they are now ready to be dried off, only to go through the whole process again very shortly.

My life feels a lot like that. I get dirty and need to be washed. Sometimes the washing process is warm and gentle, other times the dirt needs to be pounded out and then rinsed away. And after all the cleaning and being dried off, I know that invariably the process will start all over again.

There will always be dirt in my life, but I know that God will forever continue to clean me.

And while I wait for the rinse cycle, I will continue to show gratitude for all that is in my life, grand and mundane, alike:

31. rainy days

32. my two sons that show their love

33. ability to attend college classes

34. a forgiving hug

35. fresh, clean clothes to tuck away into waiting drawers

36. God's word that keep me strong and give me courage

37. enough money to fill the grocery list

38. email that allows instant communication with far away friends and family

39. the opportunity to be home when my son comes home from school for lunch

40. roses on the table

What are you grateful for today?

Blessings!

Amy

Crazy making...

Someone asked the question in my psychology class the other night at college, "what is passive-aggressive?"

Our teacher put the question to the class, "so what do you all think? What is passive/aggressive behavior?" More quickly than I had intended, the words just came flying out of my mouth, "it is craziness!"
She grinned at me, partly because she knows some of my story from the journals we have to turn in for credit, and partly because I believe, I hit the nail on the head.
I kept going, speaking partly to myself and partly to make sure that everyone understood it, "It is crazy making, a twisted mind game. Nothing ever gets resolved, because it is always the other persons fault, completely twisted around, and there is forever this underlying anger even when the person says in an angry tone, they are not angry." Whew. My heart raced, my voice was slightly raised, and suddenly it was pin-drop quiet in the room.
As I had been speaking, our instructor who has been a counselor for 30 years, continually nodded her head, keeping her gaze fixed on my eyes.

I had completely exposed myself, there was no putting the truth back under a rock, it was out there for all to see.

Crazy making took a costly toll on my life after two decades. The guilt, the doubt, the constant indecision, becomes unbearable some days.
And to make it worse is the unsolicited and ignorant advise from those that I truly believe mean well, but do not know better.

"Talk it out."
"Forgive and forget and make it work."
"God hates divorce." (One of my favorites)
"Pray harder, submit more and respect no matter what, then God will bless you greatly."

I find it sad and amazing at the same moment how judgmental Christians can be. Life is so black and white to some people, there is no gray. The lack of compassion and caring surprises me, but mostly, it's the quiet.

Someone told me that I inspire them. I just do not understand that when people tell me how strong I am, how courageous or how inspiring I can be.

Inside I feel like such a failure and it is frightening to think that somehow I inspire someone.

All I can say to it I suppose, is that it truly is not me. The only way I get up each day and move forward is because of God.

Through all of it, God has been my constant, never leaving me, nor forsaking me. He stands beside me and He is not quiet, but constantly shows me His love and presence, and I am forever grateful for Him. Without Him, I would honestly not be able to make it.

And thank you to all who stand beside me and who are not quiet, but stay connected letting me know you are there and I am in your thoughts. My life holds little time these days for connecting with others so it means the world when the phone rings or there is an email, and someone simply asks, "how are you?"

May we all be reminded that reaching out to others is a special gift and taking some time to connect or re-connect with family and friends is important.

Blessings!

Amy

Wounding by words

We all chanted it as children, "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."
Did we really believe it? Do we believe it now?

Even the Lord tells us throughout His Word that how we speak determines what is in our hearts, and our words can either build someone up or wound them deeply.

"Reckless words pierce like a sword..."
~Proverbs 12:18

"...harsh words stir up anger."
~Proverbs 15:1b

"...a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit."
~Proverbs 15:4b

Harsh words can pierce a soul, creating wounds that have a hard time healing and in some cases, never do.

When a favorite coffee cup is dropped it may not break, but it might develop a crack. We mend the crack with glue in hopes of salvaging the cup that was so dear to us, but the truth is that no matter how much glue we use to try and seal the crack, that cup is never the same again. It is more likely to leak now and possibly break along the crack if dropped again. It has been weakened and damaged, and will never be the same again, no matter how hard we work to fix it.

Words create cracks in a person's inner being if used to hurt and destroy, if used liked weapons. And those cracks within a person do not suddenly heal or go away, they will always be in them, a vulnerable area that is likely to crack further or break over time if words are continually hurled at them.

Let us be wise and loving, keeping our tongues reined in. Let us look upon our family members and those around us as a gift from God and remember that what comes out of our mouths is a direct link to our hearts.

May we have hearts for Him and words of wisdom and healing.

Are you walking with Him today?

Blessings!

Amy

No longer blind

Have you ever been blind?
In the song Amazing Grace we sing, "once I was blind, but now I see." Of course, this is in reference to God's grace He gives us when we finally come to see that we need Him in our lives.

Although my eyes were opened over 12 years ago to God's grace, I today find myself blind still. Blind to His provision in my life, His protection, and His direction.
Oh, I know He is taking care of me, I have faith in that, but at times I find myself asking the same thing over and over.

I continually ask Him for direction, for help, for clarity.
"Show me the way Lord, show me what You want from me," I pleadingly ask day in and day out.

Granted it is not a bad thing to come to God daily with our prayers, concerns and requests, and He wants us to. Yet I realized this morning that perhaps I haven't truly opened my eyes to what He does and is doing in my life.

I pray for a job, yet I have one. I pray for direction, yet He lays it on my heart daily. I pray for Him to show me the right thing to do and He has.

So for today I choose to see. I choose to take off the blinders and be grateful for what He is doing in my life.
I choose to see it and praise Him for it.

My gratitude today:

22. warm coffee to start my day

23. a job that allows me to be home for now

24. the quietness in the house after everyone has left for work or school

25. farm fresh eggs and milk to nourish our bodies

26. raindrops on the roof

27. clean laundry and the ability to do it

28. support groups to see me through and help me in the healing process

29. an education paid for in full

30. friends that stand by me without judgment and wait patiently for me to figure it all out.

What are you grateful for on this Monday?

Blessings!

Amy

Learning to walk again

The week has been a long one. I have struggled mightily against all the doubts that keep threatening to over power me. I worry about money and yet instead of working harder I become paralyzed with the fear and do less. I worry about the direction of my life and if I am truly going the way I should, but instead of standing up and just moving forward I tend to want to just lie down. Many days it takes everything inside to get up and do something, anything. I feel like a failure, I feel so alone and I feel confused. Wouldn't it be easier to refuse to get up?

In John 5:8 Jesus said to an invalid, "Get up! Pick up your mat and walk."

God can take any circumstance and turn it around for His glory. He wants to use us right where we are at, but He can't if we refuse to get up after He has called us to move. He can heal us, He can change our circumstance, He can help us walk again. ,

"God wants to use you--stumbling and all. But He won't do so if you refuse to get up."
~excerpt from Starting Over.

"Do you want to get well," Jesus asked the man who had been an invalid for close to 40 years. Jesus didn't just heal him, but He asked the man if he wanted to be healed. Jesus can do anything, through anything, in the midst of anything, but He cannot walk along beside us if we do not ever stand up and...walk.

After a year of feeling crippled and unable to move I have to learn to walk again. Maybe I'm learning to walk for the first time in my new life. I pray each day for God to keep my eyes focused on the Truth and to lead my steps where He wants me to go, and although I go through those days of asking over and over, "am I going the right way, Lord?", I have to trust enough in Him that just getting up and taking a step is the right direction.

May all of your steps this weekend lead you closer to Him and with each step may He lead you where He wants you.






Blessings!

Amy