Laying a new foundation...

The end of 2010 has arrived. Not quite sure how it got here, speeding past me like the blur of a freight train.

The last two years have been spent tearing down the old foundation of my life and rebuilding.

My devotion today read: "There was a reason, a good reason, for the waiting, the struggle, the pain, and finally the release. You have been prepared. The same way a builder must first tear down and dig out the old to make way for the new, [God] has been cleaning out the foundation in your life...
This long, hard time in your life has been for laying of groundwork. It was not without purpose, although at times the purpose may not have been evident or apparent.
...the foundation has been laid...it is time for the finishing touches, the completion. It is time to...enjoy the fruits of the labor.
You have had the patience to endure the hard parts. You have trusted, surrendered, and allowed [God]...to heal and prepare you."
`excerpt from the Language of Letting Go, Melody Beattie

The last two years has been the ripping apart and tearing up of the old foundation. The only foundation I ever knew in my life. As the work progressed there were days where my life looked ugly and felt so painful. I had a hard time staying focused on what life would look like after all the initial work was done.
I could not envision anything beautiful or joyful, but I kept trusting and looking forward to the day when the new foundation would be laid and a new beautiful life was ready to be constructed.

I pray that as we all head into a new year that our foundations are laid firmly in the only place that will not break us apart even when our world shifts and moves...our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
As life swirls by, sometimes at dizzying speeds, may we all hold tightly to the Truth in our lives that keeps us grounded.

Here is to a New Year...



Blessings!

Amy

A time for everything...

Every person on this earth, believers and non-believers alike, will suffer. It is a fact of life. For some the suffering is momentarily, for others it is a lifetime.
For those whose trust in Jesus Christ, they can be assured that through their suffering they will one day have joy.

I have always loved Ecclesiastes 3:1-8. There is indeed a time for everything in this life and only God knows the appointed time for each of us.
Verse 11 tells us that "he has made everything beautiful in its time." And how true this is.
Life can be hard, I know first hand. Life can be full of misery, hatefulness, bitterness and sorrow. Life. Is. Hard.
And God does not promise us thorn-less roses.

Twenty-two months ago I was abandoned and left in a wake of suffering. Condemnation and judgment from others became the millstone around my neck.

Ten months later I was accused of a crime I never did and had to step into that place of suffering again. And once again, condemnation and judgment was hung around my neck.

Life is hard. It is full of thorns, some so tiny we do not see them until they pierce our flesh causing us to cry out in pain. Others are large and quite visible, but try as we might there is no avoiding them and the agony they inflict.
And for some, they may be handed that one thorn-less rose, even if just for a moment in their life. A momentary joy that makes their hearts sing.

Ecclesiastes 5:18-19 reminds us that "it is good and proper for a man to eat and drink, and...be happy in his work---this is a gift of God."

God gives us the gift of life and all that comes with it. I do not believe that He intends for us to only have suffering in our lives, even though He does say there will be suffering for those whose belief in His son Jesus Christ. I believe that He wants us to find joy and happiness in the life that He gave us, and He knows that we only find that through His son Jesus Christ whom he sent so we could live.

As we approach Christmas, may we take time to reflect on our lives, the thorns and all, and open our eyes to all that God has given us. Even among the thorns may we be able to catch a glimpse of the roses that color our lives, leaving a beautiful scent.
Let us celebrate the true reason for Christmas and walk with Jesus each day of our lives.

"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."
~1 Thessalonians 16-18

Blessings!

Amy

Delight is found in the delay

Ever felt like the Lord waits a little too long to step in and help? Ever prayed instructions to Him, instead of a prayer stating your needs? You know the ones, the prayer which directs the Lord in how to help us..."Dear Lord, this has been a really difficult time for me, would you please do this and that to make it all right?"

Sometimes the waiting is just too long and hard.

We often times think we know best for our lives, but the Lord knows exactly what needs to be done and when. He knows the appointed time and place that things will happen and does not need direction from us, He needs for us to simply be still and wait.

But the waiting, the delay, that time in which the Lord is working in our lives can seem so frustratingly, painfully long.

After the storm is always a calm. Many times there is a colorful rainbow to decorate a once bleak sky.

And so it is in our lives. After the delay the Lord sends delight.
Sometimes the longer the delay, the sweeter the delight.
And after 20 years of delay in my life, of struggles and storms, the Lord is sending delight into my life.

Today I will continue to count my blessings and see what delight the Lord has sent to me.

#71 the freedom to openly worship my Lord

#72 newly painted toes

#73 new found love which makes my heart sing

#74 long distance friendships that never grow cold

#75 money for gas

#76 Christmas tree with colorful lights and memorable decorations

#77 the gift of being a mother

#78 Christmas cards sent to reconnect with family and friends

#79 the ability to provide nourishing food for my family

#80 sunshine streaming through my window on a bleak winter day

What are you grateful for?

Blessings!

Amy

Where I am is where I need to be...

"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be."
~ Douglas Adams

I read this quote on a friend's blog the other day and it really hit home with me. This place where I am at today in my life is not where I ever intended to be or would ever have planned to be.
It is simply where I am, where I was taken.
And as the time has gone, I'm learning to embrace my life and all that goes with it, resting in faith that God took me to this place or at least walked here with me.

It's easy to question why God would do this to us or why He would cause things to happen in our lives, but I'm a firm believer that God does not make things happen to us or cause things to befall us, He simply allows things.
Kind of like us as parents...there are times we have to let our children fail, because it is in doing that when they learn to succeed, and as their parents we do not stop caring for them, but we stand beside them through those hard times.
And this is what our God does for us.
He doesn't forsake us nor leave us during those times of heartache, trials, illness or any other hardships that come our way. He is there through it all and only asks that we bring it all to Him and have trust that He will guide our lives.

God only wants good for us and He will put us right where we need to be to achieve that.
The only thing that we can do each day is to ask God to guide us and help us through an often time weary life. Then we need to be still and listen for Him, and wait for His direction.
He is sufficient, He is enough.

I hope that wherever your weekend takes you, even if it is not what you had planned, that you will find Him sufficient and embrace whatever He gives you or wherever He leads you.

Blessings,

Amy

Becoming Emotional...

"It's okay to have and feel our feelings -- all of them."
~excerpt from The Language of Letting Go, by Melody Beattie

The above quote was the start to my devotion today. It made me stop and think how over the last year and a half I am learning how to feel again, how to embrace my emotions and accept them...the good and bad.

"We are neither weak nor deficient for indulging in our feelings. It means we're becoming healthy and whole."

Learning to be healthy and whole again has been my focus for the past couple years. I've worked hard to loosen past emotional scars that have caused my emotions to bind together unable to move, causing me to be unable to feel.

As those scars worked themselves loose, one by one, the emotions began to flow. And when they began to break free and come forth it was like a torrent of rain beating down on me and not letting up.
The power of those emotions would be overwhelming at times, forcing me to my knees and knocking the breath out of me.
I didn't know how to handle them or if I should. I shouldn't be hurt, sad, angry, or scared, but when they came one by one at any time of day or night, I could not help but to open up to them.

So, one by one, they flowed free from that deep place where I had locked them away, to be silenced and ignored...because it was safer that way.
But now, I felt sadness and with it tears that flowed hotly down my face without warning. The heartache that accompanied the tears grew intense, but I allowed it to throb achingly in my chest.
Then anger would spew forth catching me off guard, scaring me with the intensity of it, but I allowed it also to rise up in me and be heard.
The hurt, fear, grief...they too joined in and together the once locked away emotions burst forth forcing me to feel once again...to become emotional.

I learned to embrace the feelings, to lean into them and let them happen, taking over my body, mind and soul. At first it was hard to allow it to happen, but as time went on, I came to find myself yearning to feel more and more. In that moment of becoming emotional again I felt alive...renewed.

Although we should never allow our emotions to control us and the decisions we make in life, we should learn to acknowledge and accept our feelings as the gift that they are. Our feelings help us to look at what we may want or need in our life. They can direct us in the right direction and teach us invaluable lessons.

Being emotional again for me, means I am healing and learning to be honest with who I am.

And in the midst of all the emotional chaos in my life I can still say that God has richly blessed me in so many ways, so I will continue to count my blessings and be grateful today:

#61 waking to sun pouring through the window

#62 the apologies that follow the tears

#63 clean clothes to fold fresh from the dryer

#64 dirty dishes in the sink

#65 long distance talks with a mother who grows older

#66 a son who is slowly regaining his health

#67 healthy love that is unconditional

#68 finals and projects due at the end of the first college term

#69 a God that loves me through it all

#70 warm blankets to sleep soundly under

What are you grateful for today?

Blessings,

Amy

The Hurt of it All...

Divorce hurts. Period.
It hurts everyone involved.

A young woman whose parents divorced years ago wrote on her Facebook wall about how horrible divorce is and how it hurts the children involved. She goes on to say that people should think before getting married and having children, and should not divorce just because they don't get along anymore.

Words from a sad heart. Honest words from a young woman who is a friend of my oldest son. Words that cut through my heart.

For so many years words hurt me, destroyed who I was. I became good at denying my hurt or any feelings for that matter. It was safer not to feel.
Yet the hurt was there, always there, buried deep in my heart and the very soul of my body.

The hurt of hateful, painful words spewed at me and my children. Words spoken in contempt and rage. The words flew in unexpected moments, knocking the recipient completely off guard, crashing into them and through them like a freight train.

Hurt could never be spoken or showed. It was to be brushed off like a piece of lint and then discarded. Brush it away and pretend it was never there.

Try as I might, the hurt found residence deep in my heart and soul for so many years. And to this day, I ache a little for what might have been, but I know that try as I may it would never have changed.
Time has shown me the truth and revealed that change in a marriage takes two willing people.

Yes, divorce hurts. It hurts so many involved, not just the children. Sometimes it is a relief for those in situations that remained unhealthy and unchanging. A relief to be able to finally begin feeling again, to breathe easier and sweep up the eggshells that had covered the floor of their lives.

I pray that one day, my boys will come to know the truth and know that I made the best decision I could, for both them and myself.
I pray that all children of divorce can find a peace and acceptance.
And I pray that God will work all things for His good.

Through the hurt of it all, there is eventually joy and peace and a renewing of our lives.

Making a Beautiful Life

This heart felt poem was on a card I received from my mother a year ago on my 45th birthday. May you all learn how to make a beautiful life.

Love yourself.
Make peace with who you are
and where you are at this moment in time.

Listen to your heart.
If you can't hear what it's saying in this noisy world,
make time for yourself.
Enjoy your own company.
Let your mind wander among the stars.

Try.
Take chances.
Make mistakes.
Life can be messy and confusing at times,
but it's also full of surprises.
The next rock in your path might be a stepping-stone.

Be happy.
When you don't have what you want,
want what you have.
Make do.
That's a well-kept secret of contentment.

There aren't any shortcuts to tomorrow.
You have to make your own way.
To know where you're going is only part of it.
You need to know where you've been, too.
And if you ever get lost, don't worry,
the people who love you will find you.
Count on it.

Life isn't days and years,
it's what you do with time,
and with all the goodness and grace
that's inside you.
Make a Beautiful Life...
the kind of life you deserve.


May we all learn how to make a beautiful life, even in the midst of sorrow, heartache, discontent and all the hardships that life will throw our way.
Of course, the only true way to living a beautiful life is through the One that came to die for us so that we may live...Jesus Christ.

Let us all walk today with Him and let Him show us the beauty all around us and within us.

Blessings,

Amy

Letting Go...

It has taken me so long to finally put into words what is happening in my life. Finding the words and figuring out how to arrange them just so can be very difficult. The words are there all jumbled in my head, but to put them out there for others to see, to read, to ponder...well, it's not always easy to arrange them into a comprehensible manner.

The last year or so has a been a time of loss, grief and healing. It has also brought with it, mingled in between the hardships, joy and love.
It has been a time of letting go and moving forward. Grieving for a time and then allowing healing to take place.

Letting go is never easy. It forever changes us when we let go of something in our lives that has kept us captive in one way or another.

For me, I had to learn to let go of who I had been and of what had defined my life for so many years. This past year especially has brought me to my knees more than any other time in my life and forced me to look at myself with different eyes...the eyes of God.

Looking in the mirror, I have needed to work hard at seeing who I really am in His eyes and get past the blurry image of who someone else had led me to believe I was.
I am learning to no longer be held captive by what others think or choose to believe about me, but to be captive only to God and who He says I am.

Last month I took the final step to putting the past behind me and moving forward into a new season. It took me almost two years of waiting on the Lord and seeking the Truth in my life to know for certain what direction I needed to take.

Standing at the crossroads for so long with the words of others swirling through my head, made it hard to take that step of faith. While others questioned, judged, condemned and turned away, I sat quietly and waited for the one Truth, the only Truth, that would not lead me astray. And God spoke to me and showed me the way to go.

Divorce is never easy, no matter the circumstances. Sometimes it is necessary to end something that will never change and will always be unhealthy. Sometimes it just happens. Yet God still works in and through it, and never leaves us behind.

At almost 46 years of age I would never have expected to be traveling down this particular road in my life, but I am learning that where we end up in life usually is not where we would have placed ourselves.
Yet, when we let go and let life happen, and keep our focus on God, He will work all things for His good.

Learning to let go and embrace my life has not been easy. After all who wants to embrace a life full of heartache, struggles, illnesses, divorce, abuse and a host of other hardships, but in doing so, in embracing those things in my life along with the good, I see what a new person I have become.

I am learning day by day, how to be happy and content in this life. Easy? No way!
My devotional this morning talks of how some of us have to learn these things, especially when we have been deprived of support and nurturing for so long.

"Many of us have learned to block or stop ourselves from getting what we want and need...we may have to let go of our fears enough to experience the intimacy that will occur when we allow someone to love and support us...we may even have to learn, one day at a time, how to be happy and content...learning to let others be there for us."
~excerpt from The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie

As I move forward this day and every day, traveling down the road laid out for me, I pray that I can truly come to that place of contentment and happiness. A place where I can embrace the hardships and struggles, as much as I can rise up again with joy and love.

May everyone's journey find them following the only real direction in life, that of Jesus Christ our Savior.

Blessings,
Amy

Moving forward...

It has been months since I last was able to share my deepest thoughts and my heart longings and hurts. Every time I came here to put it down, the words wouldn't flow or the time was too short. Perhaps it just wasn't the time.

Through the months I have been absent from my blog, my life has been a rocky path that seemed impassable at times, and became almost unbearable. There were times where I stopped moving, because it seemed easier to stand still and let life pass around me. Perhaps if I didn't move, it couldn't get worse, even if it never got better. Sometimes staying where we are at seems safe and comfortable, yet I have come to see that it is a false sense of security and gets us nowhere. We stay in a state of limbo, neither moving forward or even backward.
Life swirls on around us, while we stand still, not living at all.


"We spend our days waiting for the ideal path to appear in front of
us..but we forget that paths are made by walking...not by waiting."
~author unknown

I read this quote the other day at Everyday Beauty and it really spoke to me.

Waiting for the right path to appear before us, so we know for certain we are moving in the right direction, rarely happens.

We wait on God to create this perfect path for our lives and while He does have a perfect plan for each of us, only we can step out and begin moving forward. Only we can allow life to begin happening again within us.
And an amazing thing happens...while walking on a path, any path, just moving forward, the Lord steps out alongside of us to direct our paths. He will not leave us once we decide to step out in faith, but He will actually walk with us showing us the way to go.

Nineteen months ago, my marriage, what was left of it, finally crumbled to the ground.
The abuse ended. The healing started. God set me free.

In that time, there has been no divorce, for I am the one that will have to file if that is ever to happen. The lies, deceit and fear have all kept me captive where I have stayed in limbo, neither moving forward or going back.

The time has finally come to live, to move forward. I know it is time.
Life will continue to swirl all around me, going on without me, unless I decide to step into it and live.

"If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there."
~George Harrison

Not many words today...

so instead I am posting a link to a blog about abusive relationships.
Her post today is a glimpse into my life for the past 20 years.

http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2007/01/when-your-perfect-partner-goes.html

Walking on eggshells...oh how well I know that.



It is tiring and begins to destroy the person you really are, as you try to be the person that you are made to believe you should be.

Was I the perfect wife? No.
Did I deserve to treated with callousness and disrespect because of it? No.
Was it my fault? No.

"In my anquish I cried to the Lord, and he answered by setting me free."
~Psalm 118:5

Thank you Lord for you faithfulness and for listening to your child's cries, and setting her free.

What has God done in your life to show His love towards you?

Blessings!

Amy

It is all about me...

It was all about me.

If only I had been smarter.
If only I had been more social.
If only I had been prettier.
If only I had been more competent.
If only I had prayed more.
If only I had respected him more.
If only I had kept quiet.
If only I had submitted more.
If only I had been more like my friend.
If only I had balanced the checkbook better.
If only...

It was all about me. If I could have just been better, if I could have just been different, if I could have just been someone else, maybe it would have helped.

"If we have gotten hooked into believing that somehow we will be the one who will make the difference in someone's life, if we are trying to prove how good we can be for someone, we may be in trouble."
~excerpt from The Language of Letting Go, Melody Beattie

I truly believed that it was all about me and if only I could have changed all the things that were wrong with me I would finally be loved unconditionally. I truly did hate myself and all my faults, and I had so many.
I couldn't understand why I just couldn't be better with money, why I just couldn't make myself be beautiful, why I couldn't be a better cook, why I was such a bungling idiot that couldn't even vacuum right or take the garbage out like normal people did, why I couldn't stop doing stupid things like locking my keys in the car, why I couldn't just be someone else.


"This is a game. A deception. It won't work. It'll make us crazy. We can trust that. We're not seeing things clearly. Something's going on with us."

It took years before I would truly see what was happening and be able to name it. Being able to say I wasn't crazy felt so good and it made me finally realize that it was not all about me. And actually, most of it was not about me at all.

"It's a game move, a game we don't have to play. We don't have to prove we're the one. If we're out to show people we're the best thing that ever happened to them, it may be time to see if they're the best thing that ever happened to us."

It was never all about me.
I was smart enough.
I was pretty enough.
I was...enough.

May you know that you are enough. That God loves you right where you are at and in Him, you are enough.

Blessings!

Amy

Waiting (im)patiently today

A valuable lesson that I always tell people I learned a year ago, when my life turned upside down, was how to wait patiently on the Lord.

Now waiting has never been a strong suit of mine. I want it now and I want it when I want it. And being patient, well, perhaps not another strong suit of my mine either.

Yet, I ended up in a situation where it brought me to my knees and forced me to wait, and to wait patiently. There was nothing else to do.
God made it clear to me that He was directing this season of my life and I could either sit back and allow Him to lead, or I could make myself sick and stressed over grabbing onto the steering wheel so I could get there NOW, not later.

So, I decided that I would really see what it meant to wait patiently for the Lord. I read Psalm 40:1-3 over and over, and I prayed that He would help me to wait patiently and trust Him completely with my life.

Did it take the stress away? Not if I still tried to hold on, but when I let go and just really laid everything at His feet, yes, my load was definitely lighter and the stress was not so intense.

I would go back to the first verse I ever learned in the bible after becoming a believer: Matthew 11:28 - "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

This was the verse that actually led me into a relationship with the Lord over twelve years ago. Someone had spoke about this verse the day before at church and the next day in my despair, I picked up my dusty bible, and as my mind tried desperately to remember the verse, I opened my bible right to it. I prayed that day to God, on my knees, that if He were truly there, I wanted Him to give me rest. I was so heavily burdened and weary beyond belief at trying to understand, let alone make a marriage work, that would take me over a decade later to realize, was beyond my power.

So last night, I found myself lying prostrate before Him before crawling wearily between the covers, and I sobbingly cried to Him, telling Him of how I'm a failure, how scared I am and how tired, so very tired. I didn't have anymore words, so left it at that as I surprisingly, fell into a sound sleep.

Today as I forced myself up, only wanting to sleep, the weariness and burdens seemed to still be there, weighing heavily on my shoulders. The tears have threatened to come at any moment all morning long, and the fear, oh the fear, clouds my thinking and ability to move.

But I decided that I needed to take time for God, which I do not do as often these days. Oh, I talk to Him everyday, but I honestly do not give him my full attention. So after the coffee was poured, I sat down to read my devotional and my bible, and the devotion was on Trusting God. Hmmm. As I read through the devotion it became so obvious that God was speaking directly to me, especially as I read the final paragraphs:

"Sometimes, we experience times of frustration in our life. We believe we're on track, trusting God and ourselves, yet things don't work out. We have false starts and stops. The door refuses to swing wide open.
We may wonder if God has abandoned us, or doesn't care. We may not understand where we're going, or what our direction is.
Then one day we see: the reason we didn't get what we wanted was because God had something much better planned for us."
~excerpt from The Language of Letting Go, Melody Beattie

I then opened to Psalm 40:1-3 and read:
"I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord."

And immediately afterward, came a barely audible knock at my front door. A woman in a soft yellow dress, speaking in a small, quiet voice, handed me a piece of paper about a free seminar on Drawing Closer to God. As I took the paper from her and she quickly explained about it, I smiled and thanked her before she turned to leave. Yes, she was a Jehovah Witness, which could be a whole 'nother post, but I know that God was using her to speak to me in a voice I could hear.

I have walked too far away from God. I have let the busyness and stress of life close in around me, blocking my way to Him, and in doing so, it is myself I realize that pulls on the garment of weariness and burdens, only to wear them throughout the day, as they become increasingly heavier and harder to bear. They were not still on my shoulders this morning as I staggered out of bed, I chose to pick them up and put them on, and in doing so, I create the day that will lie ahead of me, full of unhappiness, stress and worry.

Are you wearing your burdens and worries like a cloak? If so, perhaps it is time you and I slip them from our shoulders and hand the heavy, burdensome cloak to God. After all, He said He would carry them for us, because we are His children and He loves us so much that He would do anything for us.

May this weekend bring a lightness to your load and a joy into your heart as you allow God to carry the worries, hurts, sadness, burdens and any other baggage you have brought along.

Blessings!

Amy

BTW, the devotion I read was for June 4th, which I thought was today. After I read it, I looked at the calendar and realized I had the wrong day! If I had known that it was really the 5th of June today, I would never had seen this devotion. ;)

Being rescued

A favorite movie of mine is Pretty Woman. A Cinderalla story, and of course if has Richard Gere, which always makes watching a movie worthwhile.

The movie's main character, Vivian, played by Julia Roberts, shares a dream she has had since a little girl about being locked in a tower and being rescued by a knight in shining armor. She wants to be loved and she wants someone who is willing to go to great lengths to love her. At the end, Richard Gere's character overcomes he fear of heights and climbs up a fire escape to show his sacrificial love for Vivian.



No one has ever climbed a fire escape to "rescue" me and the person I had thought would lay his life down for me to love me completely and unconditionally, chose not to. I suppose I've always had that dream like Vivian, of someone loving me so much that they would do anything to show that love, but I have come to think that it is just a dream and that kind of love only exist in the movies.

I may never know that kind of life here on earth, but I do hold tight to the fact that there is someone that loves me unconditionally, forgives my faults immediately and was willing to lay His life down for me. He is the only constant in my life, the only love that does not let me down.

"He brought me out into a spacious place; He rescued me because He delighted in me."
~Psalm 18:19

I love walking with Him every day in all that I do. I thank Him for the love that keeps me strong and going each and every day, and I'm thankful for Him laying His life down for me.

How are you walking with Him?

Being grateful in the midst of it all

The tears have flowed freely today and at times pushed their way on through in the midst of trying to hold it all back.
The pain has been an overwhelming heaviness and try as I might to escape from it, to shake it off, or dismiss it, the heartache just grew heavier.

Have you ever realized a truth about something that you just do not want to accept? I suppose the heaviness and heartache of today is from the words spoken last night, words of forgiveness and reconciliation between a mother and son, but words that made me realize a real truth in my life.

The truth that makes me angry. The truth that makes me sad. The truth that causes a pain so deep that it becomes unbearable.

When people choose to twist truth around for their own gain, to make themselves look innocent and okay, never acknowledging or taking responsibility for their actions, they truly are only hurting themselves.
Yet it still makes me mad. It makes me mad to see the lies still being told, the truth still being skewed, and innocent people caught in the after math of it all.

Yet in the midst of it all today I try to be grateful for the good and real Truth in my life.

51. smell of rain in the clouds ready to burst forth

52. iced coffee on a warm, sunny day

53. walks and chats with a friend that always listens and truly cares

54. deep talks with sons who have turned into young men right before her eyes

55. asking forgiveness and offering apologies to ease the pain caused to another

56. sound of wind chimes gently swaying in the late evening breeze

57. God's voice as He whispers in my ear

58. gentle breezes through the open window at night cooling a tired body

59. ability to work and make money at home

60. sharing a Blizzard treat while sharing thoughts and dreams

What are you grateful for today?

Blessings!

Amy

Finishing the end

I resist change. There I said it.
I cling to the familiar as if it were an old beloved blankie, worn but cozy. Yet resisting change is kind of like being caught in the spin cycle, forever, always moving, but getting nowhere and staying the same, over and over again.

Without change in our lives, we cannot finish the end, and if the end is never finished, how can we move into the new? The familiar gives a false feeling of safeness in our lives, but it also keeps us forever stuck in a state of staleness. No growing takes place and we fail to become all that God would have us to be. Life becomes stagnant and we miss out on living it to the fullest.

"God, help me fully embrace and finish my endings, so I may be ready for my new beginnings." ~excerpted from The Language of Letting Go, Melody Beattie

The author says that "we may want to hold back the tides of change, not because the change isn't good, but because we have had so much change, so much loss", and all that change and loss makes us feel afraid of more change, especially when the change in our lives has caused grief and pain.

More change, no way! The pain is too unbearable from what has already happened, so any more change is bound to bring more pain.
No, it is safer, we decide to stay right where we are at. If we don't look at it directly and quickly scoot it under the rug and hide it, we can just stay right here where it's familiar, and try to live around it, hoping the pain will just dissipate and then we don't have to really deal with it.

Yet I know in my heart it is time, and God is gently tugging at me, to trust. Trust Him with finishing the end of my story and allow Him to make my paths straight so that I may live life again, live it to the fullest, embracing each day as the gift that it is.

Oh how I resist finishing the end so I can move into the new. It's scary, it's unfamiliar, it means slowly releasing what has actually had a hold of me for years. Am I ready to move on? Yes. Can I do it? Yes, but not alone. And for that I'm so grateful that God will provide the light to my feet so I do not stumble, and gently lead me down the path that still lies dark ahead of me, trusting that He has it all laid out perfectly.



As I move towards the end so I can step into a new beginning, I will continue to be grateful for the blessings in my life.

41. God's Word

42. a joyfulness in my heart

43. quiet on this early morning

44. bills paid and in the mail

45. spending time my boys as we watch and contemplate a favorite tv show's finale

46. ability to attend school

47. a cup of warm, chocolaty coffee on this chilly, gray day

48. making cookies as a treat for my boys after a long day

49. a parent's love

50. memories that bring a smile to my face in the middle of my day

What are you grateful for today?

Blessings!
Amy

Laundry and gratitude

Laundry, piles of laundry, everyday and never ending.

The washer seems to endlessly fill, spin and rinse, while the hum of the dryer is a permanent sound throughout the house.

Dirty laundry gets sorted, added to a washer full of warm water and suds, and then the cleaning process begins. The dirty laundry is swished back and forth, pounding the dirt out, then the dirty water is drained off, and the laundry spins round and round to get rid of the remaining dirty water. Clean water rinses the laundry and after being spun one more time, the laundry is clean. The dirt has been removed and they are now ready to be dried off, only to go through the whole process again very shortly.

My life feels a lot like that. I get dirty and need to be washed. Sometimes the washing process is warm and gentle, other times the dirt needs to be pounded out and then rinsed away. And after all the cleaning and being dried off, I know that invariably the process will start all over again.

There will always be dirt in my life, but I know that God will forever continue to clean me.

And while I wait for the rinse cycle, I will continue to show gratitude for all that is in my life, grand and mundane, alike:

31. rainy days

32. my two sons that show their love

33. ability to attend college classes

34. a forgiving hug

35. fresh, clean clothes to tuck away into waiting drawers

36. God's word that keep me strong and give me courage

37. enough money to fill the grocery list

38. email that allows instant communication with far away friends and family

39. the opportunity to be home when my son comes home from school for lunch

40. roses on the table

What are you grateful for today?

Blessings!

Amy

Crazy making...

Someone asked the question in my psychology class the other night at college, "what is passive-aggressive?"

Our teacher put the question to the class, "so what do you all think? What is passive/aggressive behavior?" More quickly than I had intended, the words just came flying out of my mouth, "it is craziness!"
She grinned at me, partly because she knows some of my story from the journals we have to turn in for credit, and partly because I believe, I hit the nail on the head.
I kept going, speaking partly to myself and partly to make sure that everyone understood it, "It is crazy making, a twisted mind game. Nothing ever gets resolved, because it is always the other persons fault, completely twisted around, and there is forever this underlying anger even when the person says in an angry tone, they are not angry." Whew. My heart raced, my voice was slightly raised, and suddenly it was pin-drop quiet in the room.
As I had been speaking, our instructor who has been a counselor for 30 years, continually nodded her head, keeping her gaze fixed on my eyes.

I had completely exposed myself, there was no putting the truth back under a rock, it was out there for all to see.

Crazy making took a costly toll on my life after two decades. The guilt, the doubt, the constant indecision, becomes unbearable some days.
And to make it worse is the unsolicited and ignorant advise from those that I truly believe mean well, but do not know better.

"Talk it out."
"Forgive and forget and make it work."
"God hates divorce." (One of my favorites)
"Pray harder, submit more and respect no matter what, then God will bless you greatly."

I find it sad and amazing at the same moment how judgmental Christians can be. Life is so black and white to some people, there is no gray. The lack of compassion and caring surprises me, but mostly, it's the quiet.

Someone told me that I inspire them. I just do not understand that when people tell me how strong I am, how courageous or how inspiring I can be.

Inside I feel like such a failure and it is frightening to think that somehow I inspire someone.

All I can say to it I suppose, is that it truly is not me. The only way I get up each day and move forward is because of God.

Through all of it, God has been my constant, never leaving me, nor forsaking me. He stands beside me and He is not quiet, but constantly shows me His love and presence, and I am forever grateful for Him. Without Him, I would honestly not be able to make it.

And thank you to all who stand beside me and who are not quiet, but stay connected letting me know you are there and I am in your thoughts. My life holds little time these days for connecting with others so it means the world when the phone rings or there is an email, and someone simply asks, "how are you?"

May we all be reminded that reaching out to others is a special gift and taking some time to connect or re-connect with family and friends is important.

Blessings!

Amy

Wounding by words

We all chanted it as children, "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."
Did we really believe it? Do we believe it now?

Even the Lord tells us throughout His Word that how we speak determines what is in our hearts, and our words can either build someone up or wound them deeply.

"Reckless words pierce like a sword..."
~Proverbs 12:18

"...harsh words stir up anger."
~Proverbs 15:1b

"...a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit."
~Proverbs 15:4b

Harsh words can pierce a soul, creating wounds that have a hard time healing and in some cases, never do.

When a favorite coffee cup is dropped it may not break, but it might develop a crack. We mend the crack with glue in hopes of salvaging the cup that was so dear to us, but the truth is that no matter how much glue we use to try and seal the crack, that cup is never the same again. It is more likely to leak now and possibly break along the crack if dropped again. It has been weakened and damaged, and will never be the same again, no matter how hard we work to fix it.

Words create cracks in a person's inner being if used to hurt and destroy, if used liked weapons. And those cracks within a person do not suddenly heal or go away, they will always be in them, a vulnerable area that is likely to crack further or break over time if words are continually hurled at them.

Let us be wise and loving, keeping our tongues reined in. Let us look upon our family members and those around us as a gift from God and remember that what comes out of our mouths is a direct link to our hearts.

May we have hearts for Him and words of wisdom and healing.

Are you walking with Him today?

Blessings!

Amy

No longer blind

Have you ever been blind?
In the song Amazing Grace we sing, "once I was blind, but now I see." Of course, this is in reference to God's grace He gives us when we finally come to see that we need Him in our lives.

Although my eyes were opened over 12 years ago to God's grace, I today find myself blind still. Blind to His provision in my life, His protection, and His direction.
Oh, I know He is taking care of me, I have faith in that, but at times I find myself asking the same thing over and over.

I continually ask Him for direction, for help, for clarity.
"Show me the way Lord, show me what You want from me," I pleadingly ask day in and day out.

Granted it is not a bad thing to come to God daily with our prayers, concerns and requests, and He wants us to. Yet I realized this morning that perhaps I haven't truly opened my eyes to what He does and is doing in my life.

I pray for a job, yet I have one. I pray for direction, yet He lays it on my heart daily. I pray for Him to show me the right thing to do and He has.

So for today I choose to see. I choose to take off the blinders and be grateful for what He is doing in my life.
I choose to see it and praise Him for it.

My gratitude today:

22. warm coffee to start my day

23. a job that allows me to be home for now

24. the quietness in the house after everyone has left for work or school

25. farm fresh eggs and milk to nourish our bodies

26. raindrops on the roof

27. clean laundry and the ability to do it

28. support groups to see me through and help me in the healing process

29. an education paid for in full

30. friends that stand by me without judgment and wait patiently for me to figure it all out.

What are you grateful for on this Monday?

Blessings!

Amy

Learning to walk again

The week has been a long one. I have struggled mightily against all the doubts that keep threatening to over power me. I worry about money and yet instead of working harder I become paralyzed with the fear and do less. I worry about the direction of my life and if I am truly going the way I should, but instead of standing up and just moving forward I tend to want to just lie down. Many days it takes everything inside to get up and do something, anything. I feel like a failure, I feel so alone and I feel confused. Wouldn't it be easier to refuse to get up?

In John 5:8 Jesus said to an invalid, "Get up! Pick up your mat and walk."

God can take any circumstance and turn it around for His glory. He wants to use us right where we are at, but He can't if we refuse to get up after He has called us to move. He can heal us, He can change our circumstance, He can help us walk again. ,

"God wants to use you--stumbling and all. But He won't do so if you refuse to get up."
~excerpt from Starting Over.

"Do you want to get well," Jesus asked the man who had been an invalid for close to 40 years. Jesus didn't just heal him, but He asked the man if he wanted to be healed. Jesus can do anything, through anything, in the midst of anything, but He cannot walk along beside us if we do not ever stand up and...walk.

After a year of feeling crippled and unable to move I have to learn to walk again. Maybe I'm learning to walk for the first time in my new life. I pray each day for God to keep my eyes focused on the Truth and to lead my steps where He wants me to go, and although I go through those days of asking over and over, "am I going the right way, Lord?", I have to trust enough in Him that just getting up and taking a step is the right direction.

May all of your steps this weekend lead you closer to Him and with each step may He lead you where He wants you.






Blessings!

Amy

Working it out....

"But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing."
~James 1:4

Ever have one of those days? You know the ones. You force yourself out of bed and then wonder why you ever bothered getting up in the first place. What could go wrong, does. And all before the first cup of coffee.

I want to be patience and not let those things in life that will inevitably happen get me down.
I want to be that person that just shrugs and says, "oh well" and moves on.

Instead I allow the insignificant things in life to become monstrous and turn a perfectly good morning into one of chaos, impatience, and frustration.

Why? Why can I not just give it to God at the beginning and move on?
Why must I fail in this area again and again?

I want to show Christ to those around me, namely my children, but when I get like this I am not teaching them how not to do the very things they do that drive me crazy.

"Do not be so grumpy", I grumpily tell them in the mornings.
"Don't let it upset you so much,", I growl in frustration.
"Do not be so impatient", I impatiently snarl at them.

In my impatience, my grumpiness and my frustrated frame of mind I unknowingly show that it is not only okay to clothe ourselves with these emotions, but to wear them with fervor.

Reality is, we all get impatient, grumpy and frustrated, and just plain angry over things in our lives.
It's how we handle, or in some cases not handle, these emotions.

Lord, meet me where I am and give me the patience and peace to face each day with an openness to whatever may be without feeling overwhelmed, frustrated, and ready to jump back in bed and hide under the covers!

May you all walk with Him today!

Blessings,

Amy

Weeds

Weeds. Need I say more.
Nobody likes them. They pop up throughout our yard choking out all other plants. You pull one and another springs up in its place. And they do not just come back slowly, but more fiercely than before.

Weeds. We have them in our lives too. They come in various forms swallowing up the good and overtaking the joy in our lives. We try pulling them by the roots, yanking them out and thinking we've gotten rid of them, then suddenly they spring up again, bigger, stronger and more powerful than before.

Matthew 13:28 tells us, "an enemy did this." Jesus tells the parable of the weeds, of how a farmer plants a field of wheat and wakes one day to find weeds have been sown among the wheat one night while he had been sleeping.

We cannot always tell the difference between the good plants and the weeds, because they can both look so similar in the beginning as they are taking root and sending up shoots. We have to wait for both, the plants and weeds, to grow so we can see which is which. It is only when both have come to maturity that we know what to pull and burn, and what to harvest and keep.

As we keep our eyes fixed on our Father above He will help us discern right from wrong, good from evil and the beauty from the weeds. Let us keep our gaze fixed on Him and allow Him to be our master gardener, weeding our lives of all that is not good, all that can be overwhelming and choking out the joy from us.

In the meantime, while I wait patiently for Him to pull the weeds, I will continue to show my gratitude for all the good that is in my life:

11. no broken bones

12. sounds of laundry being washed and dried

13. warm, fluffy bath towels

14. friends to listen and see me through the rough patches of life

15. dirty dishes in the sink indicating full, content bellies

16. a little extra money to spend on lunch out with my son

17. coffee made just so to warm and wake me

18. God's Word

19. cloudy days perfect for curling up with a good book indoors

20. peace in my heart

What are you grateful for?

Blessings,
Amy

Pearls

Yes, there is a new look, again , to my blog. Always changing, forever non-content with my blog, my life, myself. Will I ever find the real me and be happy with her? Will I forever be seeking new things so that I can find contentment?

Trials make me run, and hide, and feel weak, but the Lord says that through the trials in our lives we become stronger. We develop our strength and perseverance through Him to keep going. I do not have the strength nor the courage to continue forward most days, at least not on my own. The days that start with my asking God to direct my steps are always the best days. Are they perfect without problems? No. Are they straightforward with no worries? No. But those days are doable because I know in my heart that the Lord was directing my steps and if He is standing beside me no one can stand in my way.



My devotion today read:
"Pearls are the product of pain--precious, tiny jewels conceived through irritation, born of adversity, nursed by adjustment."
~excerpt from Growing Strong in the Seasons of Life.

How I long to be a pearl. A pearl of beauty, strength, wisdom and courage. Made from a tiny grain of sand grown into something beautiful that only God could make.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
~James 1:2-4

So many changes have happened in my life and so many more to come. I suppose that is why my blog continues to change as I strive for finding the perfect in all of the imperfect, continually changing and forever seeking.
May you and I always seek the Lord first above all else for that is where real contentment can be found no matter what changes take place in our lives.

Blessings!

Amy

Not much to say, so a poem instead...

that says it all.

The Journey

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice -
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
“Mend my life!”
each voice cried.
But you didn’t stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations -
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice,
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do -
determined to save
the only life you could save.

*(Mary Oliver – Dream Work)

Amy

A grateful heart

I decided it was time to join others in the grateful community and work towards completing a one thousand gifts list.

Thank you God, just thank you, from this humble heart, this broken heart, this wounded heart, this grateful heart...thank you for the gifts that you lay at my feet, set by my door, bestow upon me while I'm in the thick of life. Thank you for continuing to bless me and care for me.

The first 10 gifts from God that I am grateful for:

1. Two wonderful sons, imperfect as they are, who love You with all their hearts, who love me despite my faults and imperfections.

2. Friends that love unconditionally.

3. A house.

4. Money, however little, that provides as needed.

5. Food to nourish our bodies.

6. My God that loves me, why I don't understand, but am humbled by His love.

7. The ability to make a living while at home.

8. Financial aid to help me pursue a college education.

9. His Word that I can freely drink in to quench my thirst and eat from daily to nourish my soul.

10. This one day that He has given to me.

What are you grateful for?
How many gifts does God bestow in your life? Can you see them, scattered out there amidst the troubles, worries and fears that jumble your days one into another?
Make your list and see just what you have.

Amy

Here we go again...

Here I am, once again, in the land of bloggers.

A new blog for a new year.
A time to start fresh, to start over, to emerge after a year of wandering.

wan·der·ing: 1 a : to move about without a fixed course, aim, or goal b : to go idly about : ramble 2 : to follow a winding course : meander 3 a : to go astray (as from a course) : stray b : to go astray morally : err c : to lose normal mental contact : stray in thought

2009 was a year of stumbling through the wilderness, blindly feeling my way along a path of darkness looming ominously overhead, crowding in around me and offering no possible way out.

Or was it a desert I wandered in? A dry, scorching desert. Stepping ever so gingerly, yet quickly, hoping to keep my feet from being scalded time and time again, while I anxiously searched the distant horizon for an end to the pain.

Or perhaps it was a raging sea that I struggled to cross. Winds whipping all hope out of my hands, a darkness so black it engulfed me, and waters that closed over me keeping me imprisoned by distorted images.

I wandered through all of those places, and often still do, rambling aimlessly at times, both my body and my mind.

But when it felt hopeless, when it seemed forever dark and when the path looked impassable, He came. He led my steps, holding out His hand, whispering in my ear, "only fix your eyes on Me, it's all you need to see or know."

And when I fixed my eyes on Him, it was truly all I needed. He was the Truth in the middle of lies, a place of rest and peace during the turmoil that swirled around me, and a lamp for my feet, lighting my path.
He was, and is my Jesus.

A year ago marked a new season in my life. The end of one thing marked the beginning of something new.

So, here I am again, back in blogger-land, typing my heart felt thoughts.

If anyone is out there I hope that my words are not too rambling, too dis-jointed for you. If they are, then it is because I'm still rambling along this path known as life, trying to find my way.

Won't you wander with me?