Crazy making...

Someone asked the question in my psychology class the other night at college, "what is passive-aggressive?"

Our teacher put the question to the class, "so what do you all think? What is passive/aggressive behavior?" More quickly than I had intended, the words just came flying out of my mouth, "it is craziness!"
She grinned at me, partly because she knows some of my story from the journals we have to turn in for credit, and partly because I believe, I hit the nail on the head.
I kept going, speaking partly to myself and partly to make sure that everyone understood it, "It is crazy making, a twisted mind game. Nothing ever gets resolved, because it is always the other persons fault, completely twisted around, and there is forever this underlying anger even when the person says in an angry tone, they are not angry." Whew. My heart raced, my voice was slightly raised, and suddenly it was pin-drop quiet in the room.
As I had been speaking, our instructor who has been a counselor for 30 years, continually nodded her head, keeping her gaze fixed on my eyes.

I had completely exposed myself, there was no putting the truth back under a rock, it was out there for all to see.

Crazy making took a costly toll on my life after two decades. The guilt, the doubt, the constant indecision, becomes unbearable some days.
And to make it worse is the unsolicited and ignorant advise from those that I truly believe mean well, but do not know better.

"Talk it out."
"Forgive and forget and make it work."
"God hates divorce." (One of my favorites)
"Pray harder, submit more and respect no matter what, then God will bless you greatly."

I find it sad and amazing at the same moment how judgmental Christians can be. Life is so black and white to some people, there is no gray. The lack of compassion and caring surprises me, but mostly, it's the quiet.

Someone told me that I inspire them. I just do not understand that when people tell me how strong I am, how courageous or how inspiring I can be.

Inside I feel like such a failure and it is frightening to think that somehow I inspire someone.

All I can say to it I suppose, is that it truly is not me. The only way I get up each day and move forward is because of God.

Through all of it, God has been my constant, never leaving me, nor forsaking me. He stands beside me and He is not quiet, but constantly shows me His love and presence, and I am forever grateful for Him. Without Him, I would honestly not be able to make it.

And thank you to all who stand beside me and who are not quiet, but stay connected letting me know you are there and I am in your thoughts. My life holds little time these days for connecting with others so it means the world when the phone rings or there is an email, and someone simply asks, "how are you?"

May we all be reminded that reaching out to others is a special gift and taking some time to connect or re-connect with family and friends is important.

Blessings!

Amy