Delight is found in the delay

Ever felt like the Lord waits a little too long to step in and help? Ever prayed instructions to Him, instead of a prayer stating your needs? You know the ones, the prayer which directs the Lord in how to help us..."Dear Lord, this has been a really difficult time for me, would you please do this and that to make it all right?"

Sometimes the waiting is just too long and hard.

We often times think we know best for our lives, but the Lord knows exactly what needs to be done and when. He knows the appointed time and place that things will happen and does not need direction from us, He needs for us to simply be still and wait.

But the waiting, the delay, that time in which the Lord is working in our lives can seem so frustratingly, painfully long.

After the storm is always a calm. Many times there is a colorful rainbow to decorate a once bleak sky.

And so it is in our lives. After the delay the Lord sends delight.
Sometimes the longer the delay, the sweeter the delight.
And after 20 years of delay in my life, of struggles and storms, the Lord is sending delight into my life.

Today I will continue to count my blessings and see what delight the Lord has sent to me.

#71 the freedom to openly worship my Lord

#72 newly painted toes

#73 new found love which makes my heart sing

#74 long distance friendships that never grow cold

#75 money for gas

#76 Christmas tree with colorful lights and memorable decorations

#77 the gift of being a mother

#78 Christmas cards sent to reconnect with family and friends

#79 the ability to provide nourishing food for my family

#80 sunshine streaming through my window on a bleak winter day

What are you grateful for?

Blessings!

Amy

Where I am is where I need to be...

"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be."
~ Douglas Adams

I read this quote on a friend's blog the other day and it really hit home with me. This place where I am at today in my life is not where I ever intended to be or would ever have planned to be.
It is simply where I am, where I was taken.
And as the time has gone, I'm learning to embrace my life and all that goes with it, resting in faith that God took me to this place or at least walked here with me.

It's easy to question why God would do this to us or why He would cause things to happen in our lives, but I'm a firm believer that God does not make things happen to us or cause things to befall us, He simply allows things.
Kind of like us as parents...there are times we have to let our children fail, because it is in doing that when they learn to succeed, and as their parents we do not stop caring for them, but we stand beside them through those hard times.
And this is what our God does for us.
He doesn't forsake us nor leave us during those times of heartache, trials, illness or any other hardships that come our way. He is there through it all and only asks that we bring it all to Him and have trust that He will guide our lives.

God only wants good for us and He will put us right where we need to be to achieve that.
The only thing that we can do each day is to ask God to guide us and help us through an often time weary life. Then we need to be still and listen for Him, and wait for His direction.
He is sufficient, He is enough.

I hope that wherever your weekend takes you, even if it is not what you had planned, that you will find Him sufficient and embrace whatever He gives you or wherever He leads you.

Blessings,

Amy

Becoming Emotional...

"It's okay to have and feel our feelings -- all of them."
~excerpt from The Language of Letting Go, by Melody Beattie

The above quote was the start to my devotion today. It made me stop and think how over the last year and a half I am learning how to feel again, how to embrace my emotions and accept them...the good and bad.

"We are neither weak nor deficient for indulging in our feelings. It means we're becoming healthy and whole."

Learning to be healthy and whole again has been my focus for the past couple years. I've worked hard to loosen past emotional scars that have caused my emotions to bind together unable to move, causing me to be unable to feel.

As those scars worked themselves loose, one by one, the emotions began to flow. And when they began to break free and come forth it was like a torrent of rain beating down on me and not letting up.
The power of those emotions would be overwhelming at times, forcing me to my knees and knocking the breath out of me.
I didn't know how to handle them or if I should. I shouldn't be hurt, sad, angry, or scared, but when they came one by one at any time of day or night, I could not help but to open up to them.

So, one by one, they flowed free from that deep place where I had locked them away, to be silenced and ignored...because it was safer that way.
But now, I felt sadness and with it tears that flowed hotly down my face without warning. The heartache that accompanied the tears grew intense, but I allowed it to throb achingly in my chest.
Then anger would spew forth catching me off guard, scaring me with the intensity of it, but I allowed it also to rise up in me and be heard.
The hurt, fear, grief...they too joined in and together the once locked away emotions burst forth forcing me to feel once again...to become emotional.

I learned to embrace the feelings, to lean into them and let them happen, taking over my body, mind and soul. At first it was hard to allow it to happen, but as time went on, I came to find myself yearning to feel more and more. In that moment of becoming emotional again I felt alive...renewed.

Although we should never allow our emotions to control us and the decisions we make in life, we should learn to acknowledge and accept our feelings as the gift that they are. Our feelings help us to look at what we may want or need in our life. They can direct us in the right direction and teach us invaluable lessons.

Being emotional again for me, means I am healing and learning to be honest with who I am.

And in the midst of all the emotional chaos in my life I can still say that God has richly blessed me in so many ways, so I will continue to count my blessings and be grateful today:

#61 waking to sun pouring through the window

#62 the apologies that follow the tears

#63 clean clothes to fold fresh from the dryer

#64 dirty dishes in the sink

#65 long distance talks with a mother who grows older

#66 a son who is slowly regaining his health

#67 healthy love that is unconditional

#68 finals and projects due at the end of the first college term

#69 a God that loves me through it all

#70 warm blankets to sleep soundly under

What are you grateful for today?

Blessings,

Amy

The Hurt of it All...

Divorce hurts. Period.
It hurts everyone involved.

A young woman whose parents divorced years ago wrote on her Facebook wall about how horrible divorce is and how it hurts the children involved. She goes on to say that people should think before getting married and having children, and should not divorce just because they don't get along anymore.

Words from a sad heart. Honest words from a young woman who is a friend of my oldest son. Words that cut through my heart.

For so many years words hurt me, destroyed who I was. I became good at denying my hurt or any feelings for that matter. It was safer not to feel.
Yet the hurt was there, always there, buried deep in my heart and the very soul of my body.

The hurt of hateful, painful words spewed at me and my children. Words spoken in contempt and rage. The words flew in unexpected moments, knocking the recipient completely off guard, crashing into them and through them like a freight train.

Hurt could never be spoken or showed. It was to be brushed off like a piece of lint and then discarded. Brush it away and pretend it was never there.

Try as I might, the hurt found residence deep in my heart and soul for so many years. And to this day, I ache a little for what might have been, but I know that try as I may it would never have changed.
Time has shown me the truth and revealed that change in a marriage takes two willing people.

Yes, divorce hurts. It hurts so many involved, not just the children. Sometimes it is a relief for those in situations that remained unhealthy and unchanging. A relief to be able to finally begin feeling again, to breathe easier and sweep up the eggshells that had covered the floor of their lives.

I pray that one day, my boys will come to know the truth and know that I made the best decision I could, for both them and myself.
I pray that all children of divorce can find a peace and acceptance.
And I pray that God will work all things for His good.

Through the hurt of it all, there is eventually joy and peace and a renewing of our lives.

Making a Beautiful Life

This heart felt poem was on a card I received from my mother a year ago on my 45th birthday. May you all learn how to make a beautiful life.

Love yourself.
Make peace with who you are
and where you are at this moment in time.

Listen to your heart.
If you can't hear what it's saying in this noisy world,
make time for yourself.
Enjoy your own company.
Let your mind wander among the stars.

Try.
Take chances.
Make mistakes.
Life can be messy and confusing at times,
but it's also full of surprises.
The next rock in your path might be a stepping-stone.

Be happy.
When you don't have what you want,
want what you have.
Make do.
That's a well-kept secret of contentment.

There aren't any shortcuts to tomorrow.
You have to make your own way.
To know where you're going is only part of it.
You need to know where you've been, too.
And if you ever get lost, don't worry,
the people who love you will find you.
Count on it.

Life isn't days and years,
it's what you do with time,
and with all the goodness and grace
that's inside you.
Make a Beautiful Life...
the kind of life you deserve.


May we all learn how to make a beautiful life, even in the midst of sorrow, heartache, discontent and all the hardships that life will throw our way.
Of course, the only true way to living a beautiful life is through the One that came to die for us so that we may live...Jesus Christ.

Let us all walk today with Him and let Him show us the beauty all around us and within us.

Blessings,

Amy

Letting Go...

It has taken me so long to finally put into words what is happening in my life. Finding the words and figuring out how to arrange them just so can be very difficult. The words are there all jumbled in my head, but to put them out there for others to see, to read, to ponder...well, it's not always easy to arrange them into a comprehensible manner.

The last year or so has a been a time of loss, grief and healing. It has also brought with it, mingled in between the hardships, joy and love.
It has been a time of letting go and moving forward. Grieving for a time and then allowing healing to take place.

Letting go is never easy. It forever changes us when we let go of something in our lives that has kept us captive in one way or another.

For me, I had to learn to let go of who I had been and of what had defined my life for so many years. This past year especially has brought me to my knees more than any other time in my life and forced me to look at myself with different eyes...the eyes of God.

Looking in the mirror, I have needed to work hard at seeing who I really am in His eyes and get past the blurry image of who someone else had led me to believe I was.
I am learning to no longer be held captive by what others think or choose to believe about me, but to be captive only to God and who He says I am.

Last month I took the final step to putting the past behind me and moving forward into a new season. It took me almost two years of waiting on the Lord and seeking the Truth in my life to know for certain what direction I needed to take.

Standing at the crossroads for so long with the words of others swirling through my head, made it hard to take that step of faith. While others questioned, judged, condemned and turned away, I sat quietly and waited for the one Truth, the only Truth, that would not lead me astray. And God spoke to me and showed me the way to go.

Divorce is never easy, no matter the circumstances. Sometimes it is necessary to end something that will never change and will always be unhealthy. Sometimes it just happens. Yet God still works in and through it, and never leaves us behind.

At almost 46 years of age I would never have expected to be traveling down this particular road in my life, but I am learning that where we end up in life usually is not where we would have placed ourselves.
Yet, when we let go and let life happen, and keep our focus on God, He will work all things for His good.

Learning to let go and embrace my life has not been easy. After all who wants to embrace a life full of heartache, struggles, illnesses, divorce, abuse and a host of other hardships, but in doing so, in embracing those things in my life along with the good, I see what a new person I have become.

I am learning day by day, how to be happy and content in this life. Easy? No way!
My devotional this morning talks of how some of us have to learn these things, especially when we have been deprived of support and nurturing for so long.

"Many of us have learned to block or stop ourselves from getting what we want and need...we may have to let go of our fears enough to experience the intimacy that will occur when we allow someone to love and support us...we may even have to learn, one day at a time, how to be happy and content...learning to let others be there for us."
~excerpt from The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie

As I move forward this day and every day, traveling down the road laid out for me, I pray that I can truly come to that place of contentment and happiness. A place where I can embrace the hardships and struggles, as much as I can rise up again with joy and love.

May everyone's journey find them following the only real direction in life, that of Jesus Christ our Savior.

Blessings,
Amy

Moving forward...

It has been months since I last was able to share my deepest thoughts and my heart longings and hurts. Every time I came here to put it down, the words wouldn't flow or the time was too short. Perhaps it just wasn't the time.

Through the months I have been absent from my blog, my life has been a rocky path that seemed impassable at times, and became almost unbearable. There were times where I stopped moving, because it seemed easier to stand still and let life pass around me. Perhaps if I didn't move, it couldn't get worse, even if it never got better. Sometimes staying where we are at seems safe and comfortable, yet I have come to see that it is a false sense of security and gets us nowhere. We stay in a state of limbo, neither moving forward or even backward.
Life swirls on around us, while we stand still, not living at all.


"We spend our days waiting for the ideal path to appear in front of
us..but we forget that paths are made by walking...not by waiting."
~author unknown

I read this quote the other day at Everyday Beauty and it really spoke to me.

Waiting for the right path to appear before us, so we know for certain we are moving in the right direction, rarely happens.

We wait on God to create this perfect path for our lives and while He does have a perfect plan for each of us, only we can step out and begin moving forward. Only we can allow life to begin happening again within us.
And an amazing thing happens...while walking on a path, any path, just moving forward, the Lord steps out alongside of us to direct our paths. He will not leave us once we decide to step out in faith, but He will actually walk with us showing us the way to go.

Nineteen months ago, my marriage, what was left of it, finally crumbled to the ground.
The abuse ended. The healing started. God set me free.

In that time, there has been no divorce, for I am the one that will have to file if that is ever to happen. The lies, deceit and fear have all kept me captive where I have stayed in limbo, neither moving forward or going back.

The time has finally come to live, to move forward. I know it is time.
Life will continue to swirl all around me, going on without me, unless I decide to step into it and live.

"If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there."
~George Harrison