Why so long?

"God will always give what is right to his people who cry to him night and day, and he will not be slow to answer them."
~Luke 18:7

The last two years of my life have taken me on quite a journey. Traveling paths laid out before me that just seemed impassable at times and marked with much heartbreak and sadness.
Yet while navigating those paths I found strength, courage and mercy. Not within myself, but outside of myself.

When everything was yanked out from under me, the Lord said to follow Him. He showed me that I had nothing else and He would not abandon me nor hurt me. Only He could truly set me free.

"In my anguish I cried to the Lord, and he answered by setting me free."
~Psalm 118:5

One night as I lay sobbing in my bed in the early morning hours, I picked up my bible and opened to the verse above. How I had cried out to the Lord for years in anguish, in emotional pain, in desperation. He had heard me.

Why did it take so long though?

My devotion this morning really spoke to this. The suffering is so real for so many people. Broken marriages, foreclosures, unemployment, and the list goes on.

"Why does God wait until the money is gone? Why does he wait until the sickness has lingered? Why does he choose to wait until the other side of the grave to answer the prayers for healing?
Though you hear nothing, he is speaking. Though you see nothing, he is acting. With God there are no accidents. Every incident is intended to bring us closer to him."
~excerpt from A Gentle Thunder

I don't know why it seems the Lord doesn't answer us, I don't know why He appears silent when we cry out to Him.
Or does He answer us? Does He speak to us?

When it was darkest and it seemed that all was lost, and I would never be able to go on, the Lord whispered, "wait on Me and trust."
I did.

I learned to wait for Him and to listen for Him. And an amazing thing happened...I heard Him and in His timing He worked in my life in ways I would never have imagined. Some of the ways He chose to work in my life were painful, certainly not seeming to be from the Lord. Why would He make me wait so long and then bring one trial after another?
Because I believe he knew how hot the fire needed to be for me to trust Him completely and to help refine me.

Today is full of good things compared to almost two years ago when the hardest journey of my life began. I am still being refined by the Lord though and continue to see trials in my life, but I will until the day I leave this earth.

In the meantime, I will continue to count my blessings and be grateful for what the Lord brings into my life.

#81 a warm cup of coffee to wake my sleepy self

#82 just enough money to pay the mortgage another month

#83 morning fog to signal a sunny day ahead

#84 warm towels fresh from the dryer

#85 God's provision just when needed

#86 a job that is perfect to work around my school

#87 my tattered bible which contains on its pages my walk with the Lord over the years

#88 love that crept in one day when I was trying hard to avoid it

#89 returning health to a child that has been sick a long time

#90 an opportunity to journal my thoughts and give thanks to our Lord

What are you grateful for today?

Blessings!

Amy

Laying a new foundation...

The end of 2010 has arrived. Not quite sure how it got here, speeding past me like the blur of a freight train.

The last two years have been spent tearing down the old foundation of my life and rebuilding.

My devotion today read: "There was a reason, a good reason, for the waiting, the struggle, the pain, and finally the release. You have been prepared. The same way a builder must first tear down and dig out the old to make way for the new, [God] has been cleaning out the foundation in your life...
This long, hard time in your life has been for laying of groundwork. It was not without purpose, although at times the purpose may not have been evident or apparent.
...the foundation has been laid...it is time for the finishing touches, the completion. It is time to...enjoy the fruits of the labor.
You have had the patience to endure the hard parts. You have trusted, surrendered, and allowed [God]...to heal and prepare you."
`excerpt from the Language of Letting Go, Melody Beattie

The last two years has been the ripping apart and tearing up of the old foundation. The only foundation I ever knew in my life. As the work progressed there were days where my life looked ugly and felt so painful. I had a hard time staying focused on what life would look like after all the initial work was done.
I could not envision anything beautiful or joyful, but I kept trusting and looking forward to the day when the new foundation would be laid and a new beautiful life was ready to be constructed.

I pray that as we all head into a new year that our foundations are laid firmly in the only place that will not break us apart even when our world shifts and moves...our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
As life swirls by, sometimes at dizzying speeds, may we all hold tightly to the Truth in our lives that keeps us grounded.

Here is to a New Year...



Blessings!

Amy

A time for everything...

Every person on this earth, believers and non-believers alike, will suffer. It is a fact of life. For some the suffering is momentarily, for others it is a lifetime.
For those whose trust in Jesus Christ, they can be assured that through their suffering they will one day have joy.

I have always loved Ecclesiastes 3:1-8. There is indeed a time for everything in this life and only God knows the appointed time for each of us.
Verse 11 tells us that "he has made everything beautiful in its time." And how true this is.
Life can be hard, I know first hand. Life can be full of misery, hatefulness, bitterness and sorrow. Life. Is. Hard.
And God does not promise us thorn-less roses.

Twenty-two months ago I was abandoned and left in a wake of suffering. Condemnation and judgment from others became the millstone around my neck.

Ten months later I was accused of a crime I never did and had to step into that place of suffering again. And once again, condemnation and judgment was hung around my neck.

Life is hard. It is full of thorns, some so tiny we do not see them until they pierce our flesh causing us to cry out in pain. Others are large and quite visible, but try as we might there is no avoiding them and the agony they inflict.
And for some, they may be handed that one thorn-less rose, even if just for a moment in their life. A momentary joy that makes their hearts sing.

Ecclesiastes 5:18-19 reminds us that "it is good and proper for a man to eat and drink, and...be happy in his work---this is a gift of God."

God gives us the gift of life and all that comes with it. I do not believe that He intends for us to only have suffering in our lives, even though He does say there will be suffering for those whose belief in His son Jesus Christ. I believe that He wants us to find joy and happiness in the life that He gave us, and He knows that we only find that through His son Jesus Christ whom he sent so we could live.

As we approach Christmas, may we take time to reflect on our lives, the thorns and all, and open our eyes to all that God has given us. Even among the thorns may we be able to catch a glimpse of the roses that color our lives, leaving a beautiful scent.
Let us celebrate the true reason for Christmas and walk with Jesus each day of our lives.

"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."
~1 Thessalonians 16-18

Blessings!

Amy

Delight is found in the delay

Ever felt like the Lord waits a little too long to step in and help? Ever prayed instructions to Him, instead of a prayer stating your needs? You know the ones, the prayer which directs the Lord in how to help us..."Dear Lord, this has been a really difficult time for me, would you please do this and that to make it all right?"

Sometimes the waiting is just too long and hard.

We often times think we know best for our lives, but the Lord knows exactly what needs to be done and when. He knows the appointed time and place that things will happen and does not need direction from us, He needs for us to simply be still and wait.

But the waiting, the delay, that time in which the Lord is working in our lives can seem so frustratingly, painfully long.

After the storm is always a calm. Many times there is a colorful rainbow to decorate a once bleak sky.

And so it is in our lives. After the delay the Lord sends delight.
Sometimes the longer the delay, the sweeter the delight.
And after 20 years of delay in my life, of struggles and storms, the Lord is sending delight into my life.

Today I will continue to count my blessings and see what delight the Lord has sent to me.

#71 the freedom to openly worship my Lord

#72 newly painted toes

#73 new found love which makes my heart sing

#74 long distance friendships that never grow cold

#75 money for gas

#76 Christmas tree with colorful lights and memorable decorations

#77 the gift of being a mother

#78 Christmas cards sent to reconnect with family and friends

#79 the ability to provide nourishing food for my family

#80 sunshine streaming through my window on a bleak winter day

What are you grateful for?

Blessings!

Amy

Where I am is where I need to be...

"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be."
~ Douglas Adams

I read this quote on a friend's blog the other day and it really hit home with me. This place where I am at today in my life is not where I ever intended to be or would ever have planned to be.
It is simply where I am, where I was taken.
And as the time has gone, I'm learning to embrace my life and all that goes with it, resting in faith that God took me to this place or at least walked here with me.

It's easy to question why God would do this to us or why He would cause things to happen in our lives, but I'm a firm believer that God does not make things happen to us or cause things to befall us, He simply allows things.
Kind of like us as parents...there are times we have to let our children fail, because it is in doing that when they learn to succeed, and as their parents we do not stop caring for them, but we stand beside them through those hard times.
And this is what our God does for us.
He doesn't forsake us nor leave us during those times of heartache, trials, illness or any other hardships that come our way. He is there through it all and only asks that we bring it all to Him and have trust that He will guide our lives.

God only wants good for us and He will put us right where we need to be to achieve that.
The only thing that we can do each day is to ask God to guide us and help us through an often time weary life. Then we need to be still and listen for Him, and wait for His direction.
He is sufficient, He is enough.

I hope that wherever your weekend takes you, even if it is not what you had planned, that you will find Him sufficient and embrace whatever He gives you or wherever He leads you.

Blessings,

Amy

Becoming Emotional...

"It's okay to have and feel our feelings -- all of them."
~excerpt from The Language of Letting Go, by Melody Beattie

The above quote was the start to my devotion today. It made me stop and think how over the last year and a half I am learning how to feel again, how to embrace my emotions and accept them...the good and bad.

"We are neither weak nor deficient for indulging in our feelings. It means we're becoming healthy and whole."

Learning to be healthy and whole again has been my focus for the past couple years. I've worked hard to loosen past emotional scars that have caused my emotions to bind together unable to move, causing me to be unable to feel.

As those scars worked themselves loose, one by one, the emotions began to flow. And when they began to break free and come forth it was like a torrent of rain beating down on me and not letting up.
The power of those emotions would be overwhelming at times, forcing me to my knees and knocking the breath out of me.
I didn't know how to handle them or if I should. I shouldn't be hurt, sad, angry, or scared, but when they came one by one at any time of day or night, I could not help but to open up to them.

So, one by one, they flowed free from that deep place where I had locked them away, to be silenced and ignored...because it was safer that way.
But now, I felt sadness and with it tears that flowed hotly down my face without warning. The heartache that accompanied the tears grew intense, but I allowed it to throb achingly in my chest.
Then anger would spew forth catching me off guard, scaring me with the intensity of it, but I allowed it also to rise up in me and be heard.
The hurt, fear, grief...they too joined in and together the once locked away emotions burst forth forcing me to feel once again...to become emotional.

I learned to embrace the feelings, to lean into them and let them happen, taking over my body, mind and soul. At first it was hard to allow it to happen, but as time went on, I came to find myself yearning to feel more and more. In that moment of becoming emotional again I felt alive...renewed.

Although we should never allow our emotions to control us and the decisions we make in life, we should learn to acknowledge and accept our feelings as the gift that they are. Our feelings help us to look at what we may want or need in our life. They can direct us in the right direction and teach us invaluable lessons.

Being emotional again for me, means I am healing and learning to be honest with who I am.

And in the midst of all the emotional chaos in my life I can still say that God has richly blessed me in so many ways, so I will continue to count my blessings and be grateful today:

#61 waking to sun pouring through the window

#62 the apologies that follow the tears

#63 clean clothes to fold fresh from the dryer

#64 dirty dishes in the sink

#65 long distance talks with a mother who grows older

#66 a son who is slowly regaining his health

#67 healthy love that is unconditional

#68 finals and projects due at the end of the first college term

#69 a God that loves me through it all

#70 warm blankets to sleep soundly under

What are you grateful for today?

Blessings,

Amy

The Hurt of it All...

Divorce hurts. Period.
It hurts everyone involved.

A young woman whose parents divorced years ago wrote on her Facebook wall about how horrible divorce is and how it hurts the children involved. She goes on to say that people should think before getting married and having children, and should not divorce just because they don't get along anymore.

Words from a sad heart. Honest words from a young woman who is a friend of my oldest son. Words that cut through my heart.

For so many years words hurt me, destroyed who I was. I became good at denying my hurt or any feelings for that matter. It was safer not to feel.
Yet the hurt was there, always there, buried deep in my heart and the very soul of my body.

The hurt of hateful, painful words spewed at me and my children. Words spoken in contempt and rage. The words flew in unexpected moments, knocking the recipient completely off guard, crashing into them and through them like a freight train.

Hurt could never be spoken or showed. It was to be brushed off like a piece of lint and then discarded. Brush it away and pretend it was never there.

Try as I might, the hurt found residence deep in my heart and soul for so many years. And to this day, I ache a little for what might have been, but I know that try as I may it would never have changed.
Time has shown me the truth and revealed that change in a marriage takes two willing people.

Yes, divorce hurts. It hurts so many involved, not just the children. Sometimes it is a relief for those in situations that remained unhealthy and unchanging. A relief to be able to finally begin feeling again, to breathe easier and sweep up the eggshells that had covered the floor of their lives.

I pray that one day, my boys will come to know the truth and know that I made the best decision I could, for both them and myself.
I pray that all children of divorce can find a peace and acceptance.
And I pray that God will work all things for His good.

Through the hurt of it all, there is eventually joy and peace and a renewing of our lives.